||[Nov. 28th, 2012|05:15 am]
|||||round and round areil pink||]|
Sometimes i look for someone to listen to me. sometimes I look for someone to soothe me or to comfort me. the most important thing I ever learned is that I can comfort myself, and I can soothe myself.
I have been cleaning my room and this has opened a door to all sorts of these crazy emotions.
The first of which is a reflect on the 5 skandha of anatman, and a reflection on how I be only now, not in the past, the past is gone and that person is gone. it's like a facebook profile you might mistake it for a person, but what happens when some one logs into someone else's profile. You blame that person you blame some essence if they posted something offensive, when what was a facebook page really. It was pictures and it was bits of data, it was words and it was pixels, but it wasn't a person it wasn't the essence. This is true of a person you look at. A person shaped in the past right now.
So here is some suffering longing that is easily resolved, but fun to indulge. I look at the notes I took in my notebooks in 2008, and I just didn't know then the beautiful songs i would hear, and the beautiful people I would meet. I wouldn't know what my passions quite were, and I wouldn't really have that many friends either. It is really wild actually.
I am talking about high school far away. All those acquaintances are gone and there is no real socially appropriate way to reconnect.
je me souviens
i used to dream a lot. I used to dream and I used to look out of the window of the car and imagine that someday I'd go somewhere and i'd be cool, or have friends. i wanted people to think in their thinking thought heads that i was cool, and to be my friend because of it. but i really was quite alone. and no one was willing to friend me. these people in my school district were my social contacts. i didn't realize that brandeis is an international school district of pleasant people.
I wonder what if i went to vassar or something or wesleyan or hamilton. the interesting aact is i went to brandeis because it was close by and i wanted to keep in touch with friends who would be there no matter what, who really weren't around by the summer after freshman year.
i didn't really have ay]ny friends growing up. largely i see this is too reasons, one is that i thought i was cooler than everyone else. another is that i was insufferable and really weird. These things made me feel so uncomfortable. I wasn't good at any sport or anything, and honestly my sexuality made things really difficult for me. Going to school was so weird, I used to hide so people wouldn't see i had no friends. Nobody got me, and there was not a single other sensitive hip type person in my whole school (in my mind) also not that I am a sensitive hip type person.
I just wish I had lightened up and of all other things if I knew in high school what i know about life now, that is if my conciousness now suddenly inhabited my body in high school, i would realize what a joke and an illusion everything was. like I would say and realize that life goes on in many differnt ways