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ifyoureallywant

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abilities [Dec. 3rd, 2013|03:54 am]
ifyoureallywant
I have the absolute ability to go on a diy tour across the country tomorrow. I just don't know if I should. I sort of wasn't into it, but then my dadsaid maybe I shouldn't go. Maybe I am nnow.

It is a pretty good life. I make money. Then I decide whatevr I want to do with my time
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Yes! [Nov. 6th, 2013|01:36 am]
ifyoureallywant
I am my own biggest fan.
I have more soundclouds than I remember.
And I don't know, I suppose I'd be humble if anyone else liked my music, but since they don't I don't see the harm in it.

Everything from my Daniel Johnstonesque high school days aka the birth of me recording music, to these late days it has been good.

I'd say that the use of digital audio workstations has allowed me to craft better songs. Little jam ditties can be remembered reflected on an enhanced, built upon.

I'm super prodigious, I have a shoebox filled with cassette tapes I have been recording since I was 20. I have over 1000 songs saved to this computer. I have maybe 500 more on other computers. My earliest stuff exists on CD-Rs given to friends, not to mention floppy disks with stuff.

I mean a lot of it is more like sketches and recorded improvisation, but when I course back through it, it is about is meaningful and inspirational to me as any of the sample based work i am doing now is.

I really am just full of myself, and though I am not say super good at any conspicuous part of music playing, I'd say that I am pretty talented. I don't know why I don't just go on a series of tours across the United States.
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(no subject) [Oct. 24th, 2013|10:22 pm]
ifyoureallywant
I don't know if this is right for now or in the future as a life lesson or a way to become attached to bliss
but i feel grateful for mom and dad for shea and naveh for every car commercial life saver and museum
for every emily for every jacky for ever adam, for every brendan, for patrick and for ori, for ynbal and fr Josh.

For every hebrew school for every catskill
for elly, for ben, for hillary for marc, for my family for my grandparents, for jerry luke, sophie and sandra, for devyn and andrew for morgan, for emma, for kimi and hanna and hannah and shane and adam a nahomie and James for sara and karen and kathy, for dan and danny for jorge and sarah for cody and sahar and everyone

for m83 and slavoj zizek
for materials

for waterfalls and log cabins
for bad jokes and feeling uncomfortable int he future
for uncle chris and aunt cindy
mama and dada sammy and scott grandma and grandpa grandpa chiong and all ym uncles and aunts and cousins around the universe.

I love you Delande
I love you Abby!
I love you Addy!
Diego how's Seattle I love you
Sethhhhhhh my man i love you so much
Arash
Aarish
JP
alex

I'm Going to Die when I grow up
I'll turn back into the dust I came from
But so glad I am to be a part of it at all
to walk down the streets in Bushwick and look at all the different types of doors people have
to look at the sky every where and see these points of lights
To know there are galaxies around
everywhere in every unvierse
a universe
in a single atom
and to know
to know to know to know
and to feel too

It is a wave it washes over these sensations
thank you God for every moment for every breath
and allowing me to know You

Amen Hallelujah Thank God

Gratitude
Gratitude
A city called cambridge
a little piece of marsh
look at what you've become
something

something else
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advice [Jul. 8th, 2013|10:24 pm]
ifyoureallywant
say you are about to start a new job, and you feel scared, you don't know what to expect, maybe you oversold yourself.

Ideas
You aren't going to get a good night sleep, so don't go fretting about how you should be getting, you really won't it just won't happen, except it and drink caffeine or something. Or run

Instead use the feelings of lethargy as a "bell of mindfulness" This is what you do. Smile at any tired feeling. Smile at it, and do your best. Smile at any headache, and smile and any butterfly. use these as bell to remind you that you are alive.

Here are some traetgies for doing well.
Just do it. THere is no one else to be, so try to do your best. GO right up to the border line of you can do with whatever resources you have at that moment. Say someone asks you something and you ordinarily know the answer but you currently don't You know what? That's okay. You know why? Whatever you are in that moment is all you can be. You can try hard, or not at all it is okay.

Here are some strategies for realizing it isn't a big deal. It doesn't matte,r you could get fired. Ori told me that if you are driving and you fuck up even if you have to go 10 miles in the wrong direction before you turn around you have to go with the flow of traffic. You can do that, you can also pull over and play in the grass by the side of the highway or examine all the little ridges in the asphalt.

Just go with it. Mybe you'll get fired. Maybe things will be really hard for your employer, whatever it is that is okay, I'm very serious. You might ruin your company and your career, but believe me if you are alive that is okay. If you can breathe you are doing great. SOmetimes I can't breathe I have really bad asthma, but there are still many other sources of joy. So many so many.

JObs are little things that can trick us into think our small piece is all there is, and this means is what takes precedence. Often times it does, often times you do trade off that realization, but remember the beauty of the Grand Canyon in each of your fingerprints, in each thought you can think, the numbness or boredom you feel, that is there, and you can love that. You can love each other.

Call me Yakov cause I wrestle with G-d. What it means, what it all means. Is the Bible true, why doesn't it speak to me like I want it too, and What if I like syncretic Western Buddhism more than Christianity. In almost every reconciliation I have with the New Testament, every time I struggle with what it is, is it true, is it just, am i just, whose way my way, G-d's way, YHWH, The way, the tao, it changes everyday there is no way these words do not speak to me

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

eveyone and the world can see that, even if God means the Tao and or if God means the now, or if God means the trinity, the Father the Son Jesus Christ, or the Holy SPIRIT, or G-d the Lord Hashem, there is no way these words aren't true.

but when you do worry, smile and embrace it tenderly, and smile and smile and smile, it could all be over, don't worry.
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Weekly Jokes [Jul. 8th, 2013|10:10 pm]
ifyoureallywant
I want to write jokes
it seems like it could be a skill to do over the course of my life

Jokes about life
So do you ever not want to hang out to someone.

News
Walmart was fined 83 million for dumping hazardous waste in missouri. Next time try selling it.
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it's good to give thanks to the lord [May. 28th, 2013|04:12 pm]
ifyoureallywant
tov lehodot lashem
ulzamer l shimcha elyon
tov lehodot lashem
lhagid baboker chadescha
vemuntecha balaylot

it's good to give thanks to the lord
your love in the morning and faithfulness in the night
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Microfascism [May. 28th, 2013|03:42 pm]
ifyoureallywant
We all want to do the right thing, but we don't even realize it all the time. Sometimes we got to resist microfascism. we have to resist it . these little jokes we tell like that are based on racial shit, accent jokes, i do it and its funny but its fascist.
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i don' know what to do [May. 26th, 2013|08:49 pm]
ifyoureallywant
i didn't go to boston calling. all the good bands happened. for me there is not a real concept of shitty, something either works or it doesn't. there isn't shitty vodka, there is vodka that will work in its way to get you drunk, or vodka that won't. there isn't a shitty computer, there is a computer i can use to do something things or there isn't. i feel like for many people there is a matter of taste. i just need a bike that works, i had this ike, a magna excitor, i was so happy when i got it, and i worked well, but it quickly deeriorated and now is almost not usable to anyone in the world, i don't know if ianyone could use it. i just want to ride a bike, i just want to ride it and do well.
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stress [Apr. 2nd, 2013|02:23 am]
ifyoureallywant
When you have an ego. a sense in your conscioussness that I am this, this is my story i'll have a future. a craving little child baby who fears so much of the loss and wants so much to go their own way.

Christianity doesn't make that much sense to me. I have an ego. I walk the Earth one last miracle but I'm so stressed.

First off it is April, and it stresses me out that it is almost one year since I graduated and what am I doing. I don't think I'm doing me. Living with my dad is hard he's always aasking question i love being alone I wish i was alone all day to just do work or something. when you have an ego which is to say all of us do, ego is a word tht solidifies into thought and objectifies the longing inside a consciousness. But i want to be someone. everyone the year below me will radaute and then ireally won't be able to chill at Brandeis. Peoplee have ideas of futures, i don't want to do any of that shit bcause I am attached to this diea of sticking it out and making things work. I don't want to leave everyone I know to do some professional development bullshit i don't even know what tht would entai. i need to stop watching cable tv.

i should abandon all hpe of being a politician.

give up whatif i move to the middle of tufts
i need to leave masschusetts
i need to fucking leave massachusetts. new york
the whole world sucks philly? fuck me
does any place not suck i'm dying here.
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The Reinmaud [Mar. 21st, 2013|08:03 pm]
ifyoureallywant
The reason I am saying anything at all is because I have an ego. An ego that does not want to be alone. An ego that wishes to exist outside of the moment, and as a result will do things to take itself out of the moment. So therefore the ego wants the thoughts at the present time to be more than ephemeral. The ego wants the thoughts to be recorded for a time period, for its fingerprint to have a manifestation that is beyond its temporal location. So the ego writes and talks and shares. The Ego is your friend, it has to be your friend. Here is the thing, there are unpleasant people (or really egos) that we may interact with all the time who might be rude, or yell slurs at us or some shit, but then you walk off and you probably never see them again. So that doesn't matter. But is there is anyone who you keep chilling with all the time it makes sense to befriend them even if they might rub yo thewrong way. You don't have to fight what was someone who fave you an annoying first impression, you can just love them and give them a lot of love. Befriend your sadness and your anger and your frustration. It is all you have to love.

I was thinking about the last words to the song "Kisses Sweeter Than Wine" by the Weavers. It is something along the lines of "When I think about having children and working and living and loving with all the pain and love I would do it again." I would like to think that however little we do not appreciate life we may sometimes get a chance to suddenly appreciate all that there was. And know, know that there is not necessarily any big goal or any big lesson, and things aren't happening for a reason, especially any reason that is an integral part of the story. What really is happening is sort of a chaos of light and sensational stimuli that your brain is ordering into some pattern. You might be able to carve a reason out of a recollection of all life events but there is no reason. Things are just happening. If you never appreciate anything, because my G-d maybe you have a really fucking ruddy deal, or no one ever told you how to, that is the way it is. There is nothing sad or bad about it, you were a player in the game, a game you might not have liked but you got to play and I think that is really special.

I wish it was this way I wish it was that way. People wish a whole lot. Who could blame them? I sometimes dream of a world were there are no more judgments.

People seem to want to expedite the issues of harm in their communities to a centralized standardized agency which is the criminal justice system. It is like the ISO for dealing with offenders. While standardization is really good it can take out some of the organize fun there can be in making things on your own. I'd recommend standardization for dealing with any objects you might be manufacturing or shipping, but when it comes to people should such standardized and dehumanized guides be applied to them as well? It makes it easy for the communities and community members who do not see themselves as someone who would ever be an offender. However for those who are labelled as offenders, the large and standardized system makes it very difficult for them to shake their label, or to find community justice.
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dear diary [Mar. 21st, 2013|03:04 am]
ifyoureallywant
I know in my head i fantasize all the time about have a selective midas touch and partying with my friends all the time, and then donating all that money to the city of worcester like 17 trill or something like that.

But I also think of myself more hummbly than that. I fancy myself as a casual new Levinas, and part Justin Bieber/Diplo-tiesto/Radiohead/Folk. and i'm a bit of an artist u know i painted my second ever painting today. but on top of that i'm a modern chomsky i hve all these really deep political insights. but the truth is that they aare not that deep. and i only want to have them deep enough to sustain me through ideas of myself as something valid and valuable when i know that my ego i hold so dear is empty anyway. but if i were to play on the ballpark in that world that might be seen as the one of madness, i'd say i'm really not professionally in the position to have any talent to be any of these things i am in my head. i hardly work at it.

I got some remarkable news that went to my head one was that i'm smart. not in the sense of depth unfortunately, but at least seemingly to many in terms of breadth. That is cool. but again a big part of me wants to not get too stoked about issues related to me ego just because i'm thinking i'm a nameles tendril of a consciousness. there are issues with being smart though. one is that I suddenly since this realization a few weeks ago am eager and craving for more people to perceive me this way. to admit that people think i'm smart suddenly is like this drug on the ego with a loss of humility as a result. i want to impress more and more people. but it is so hard to.

also people told me i am reasonably attractive. this is good news. on top of that a lot of guys have told me they didnt know i was into guys, which is cool because that means i get to pass with straight privilege (this may only be true in cambridge or at liberal arts universities) and it means maybe a lot of the time when guys didn't want to hook up with me maybe it is becaus ethey didn' know.
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Filipino Frasebook [Feb. 10th, 2013|02:58 am]
ifyoureallywant
I think i want to lern some langagues. i like hebrew, spanish, and filipino as languages to learn. someone said that if you learn 20 phrases a day, then you communicate with people you learn a lnaguage quicker.

I have been making ambient music lately.

Bjork's music is so beautiful.

I want to learn hebrew, spanish, and filipino.

I would also be interested in learning French and Maybe German.

It wouldn't be bad to learn the langagues of the United Nations.

One thing hebrew and filipino have in common is that they have consecutive vowel sounds that aren't interupted by consonants.

I just found out Banco Filipino closed in 2011.

It snowed a lot today, and as a result I have not been able to go anywhere.

From time to time, some guy tries to get me to masturbate on skype.

The People's Republic of China inflicts many human rights abuses on its people/

I went to make electronic music.

Dog is the animal of the year.

a puppy is a dog and a dog is an animal.

Ko ambient musika kani-kanina lamang.

Bjork ng musika ay kaya maganda.

Gusto kong matuto Hebrew, Espanyol, at Pilipino.

Gusto ko ring maging interesado sa pag-aaral ng French at Siguro Aleman.

Hindi ito magiging masamang upang matuto ang mga langagues ng mga Bansang Nagkakaisa.

Isang bagay Hebrew at Pilipino ay may sa karaniwan ay na mayroon silang magkakasunod na mga tunog ng patinig na hindi interupted sa pamamagitan ng consonants.

Ko lang nalaman Banco Pilipino sarado sa 2011.

Snowed ito ng marami ngayon, at bilang isang resulta ay hindi ko pa magawang pumunta kahit saan.

Paminsan-minsan, ang ilang mga tao ay sinusubukan upang makakuha ng sa akin sa magsalsal sa Skype.

Ang Republika ng Tsina inflicts ng maraming mga tao na pang-aabuso karapatan sa mismong bayan /

Nagpunta ako sa electronic music.

Aso hayop ng taon.

tuta ng aso at aso ay isang hayop.
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It's like [Dec. 31st, 2012|02:10 am]
ifyoureallywant
I'm a musician moving to bed stuy to be in an indie rap band
and i'm not even cool enough to be a hipster
what do I do?

It's so cool on the news, but I just want to stand my ground boston ma. a place i feel connected to just because I grew up there and grew to understand the world here. i'll miss Joyce Kulhawik. I'll miss peter Mohegan.

I'm from the Northeast. apparently east coast is not the only place in the united states. I can't even fathom that, I'm a big enough man to admit that.

Someday, I don't know who is clsoe I have difficult with closeness. I have a difficulty with uptightness where I have a sense that most people regard me as either an extremely laid back and not uptight person, and then another group probably views me as an extremely uptight and obssessive person. To sides of the same coin. I have the uptight condition where I can't be uptight about the appropriate things.

I am going to be a prison abolitionist comedian musician environmental sceintist. what the fuck do i do now?

I have to admit this a little bit. I am going to be a musician as a result like what should I do, live my life,, or die.

So here is the thing, you can make a bigger pie. Some listen to music 4 hours a day, they just need something to be playing. They could listen to the same song over and over again, or you could make a song that is so good that they want to listen to that song too. They could listen to your song over and over again, but music is not a zero sum game, they can listen to a variety of songs.

I'll miss the c river
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that's how i escaped my certain fate [Dec. 31st, 2012|01:46 am]
ifyoureallywant
I decided to procrastiante for moving to Brooklyn by wiritng in my livejournal. I procrastinated writing in my livejournal by reading the temporal consciousness article on the stanford encyclopedia of philosophy and argueing with people on reddit about fatism.

Anyway I soon learned that the most important thing to learn about anything is to do it.

I'm gonna move to bed stuy. Only for a month

maybe less
probably less
maybe an off chance that it will be more
small chance i could die before the end of the month.

It is just a month to work on music or some shit like that.

I just don't want to be like the character Diane from Cheers. See in the show she was like I'm just going to go to LA for a few months to work on my career. But then she doesn't come back, and I'm like thinking that is not a very sensical way. But anyway she is gone for like all the way until the last episode of the whole series.

I don't want to right now do that because I love Boston. and if I got this job i've been working on getting in the devil's arm pit known as easthampton ma, I would imeediately jettison both to live in complete solitude and work for this nonprofit thingy.

Living with Naveh, might be hard, but I've done it before. I'm just not sure if like the whole one froom thing will work out, but I'll try to make it work. I don't want to drink and I don't want to smoke. well obviously i want to drink and i want to smoke but I don't think it is prudent, and now it is new year's eve.

i hate countdown/s

Should I bring my laptop or will it get stolen.
I went to Abby's house yesterdya, she wasn't tehre, I'm just saying that I was there.

Jake is pretty cool you know i guess.

I am going to new york tomorrow.

Who are my friends anyway
what am I doing

i like being at home, because there rare a lot of stuffed animals here for me to play with, and also my mommy and my daddy. This is a really short term decision made in a short amount of time. But whatever i want to work and get work done work out, read, clean, and make beats you know?
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dear life [Dec. 27th, 2012|02:15 am]
ifyoureallywant
life just got real
why is kelsey is she good at life or bad at it?
how is everyone doing
diego made a good album the vocal harmonies are sick
what am i doing with my life?

i just don't know but it isn't working

i hate new years eve

i am interested in prison abolition it is a dead scene though i want to go home
maybe when i go home i can smoke mad ganj an watch it's always sunny

but my ego is so strong it only wants to succeed at music
in any genre
i used to want to study climate

my grandmother isn't doing well. i don't want to leave her. how can anyone stand to say goodbye, does it not affect them. she can't see or hear, i wish she didn't have tos truggle, i wish i could teach her something about being here now, but i fear she is afraid of any non christian anything.

I wish she could find peace. i know it is arrogant and that i am arrogant to think i could teach her in anyway.
but not eveyrone has heard the good news about the present moment.

I just want to listen for as long as possible, but I don't know how to prompt it. i always felt weird around my grandparents because they were in this one way, and i think my parents were afraid i'd upset them or something. i would startle their tranquility because i was a really tempermental cild. now i don't know what to do. i just want to listen and not in any way but i just can't go.. it makes me sad, and i'm okay with that, but i don't know what else i can do.

avoidance avoidance craving craving craving

i feel so weird, like i am a nuissance and a pain.

i feel like a thing that can be used for people sometimes.

i feel like an ego within that consciousness.
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BDS [Nov. 29th, 2012|04:21 pm]
ifyoureallywant
sometimes i think about the politics.

Israel is an apartheid state. It is problematic, the only thing is that as much as I feel solidarity for Palestinians, I really like Israel and stuff. States and statehood is weird, and usually oppressive. Oppressive like dying is oppressive, inevitable? And by apartheid state I mean a word that has the same definition as apartheid but that isn't loaded.

A Jewish State, that sounds good, the only wacky thing it doesn't have to be a state, it can be a land or sum anarchist shit.

Anyway here are some thoughts, China is an apartheid state. It's occupation of Tibet and murder of Tibetans is everything that people say Israel is doing with Gaza only it actually happens due to the fact that China doesn't give a fuck, where Israel has to give a fuck about massacring civilians because open democratic countries can't massacre civilians for long.

And look at it, in both situations China or Israel legitimizes its actions sometimes by saying that it wasn't really a developed area and they were helping out. Now what do you think will happen when the occupation of Tibet and Palestine ends. Well it is pretty likely that it will be a regression into a restrictive theocratic state.

So here is my issue with BDS Israel. It is that it is so heavily focused on one place and not on the whole world. I get that the US is a super big supporter of Israel, but the thing is that Boycotting Israel means giving up what like dead sea cosmetics an soda stream soda. Like i don't even want those things anyway. Boycotting China is important but impossible because china is so big and important to our economy so it will never happen. Also Boycott china because of the environemntal and labor practices.

Ever notice that the Israel Palestinian conflict is tinged with oreintalism and anti semitism. I don't see that when people are afraid of monolithic China. It's more like China is this far away place and people in teh west don't say chink when they talk about this sort of thing. But the I-P conflict has all sorts of caricatures of Jews havin big noses, how weird is that, and Palestinians as all terrorists, I mean gross right?

The whole world is an apartheid state, if you are queer for the most part. I understand homonationalist and pinkwashing crtiiques of Israel, but the turht is that gay people get killed in the rest of the world for being gay, so forgive me if I support a country that in some way protects that a bit. If I'm playing on the level of states being worthwhile, when really the ideal is total liberaton an freedom.
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Dear Abby [Nov. 28th, 2012|05:15 am]
ifyoureallywant
[music |round and round areil pink]

Sometimes i look for someone to listen to me. sometimes I look for someone to soothe me or to comfort me. the most important thing I ever learned is that I can comfort myself, and I can soothe myself.

I have been cleaning my room and this has opened a door to all sorts of these crazy emotions.

The first of which is a reflect on the 5 skandha of anatman, and a reflection on how I be only now, not in the past, the past is gone and that person is gone. it's like a facebook profile you might mistake it for a person, but what happens when some one logs into someone else's profile. You blame that person you blame some essence if they posted something offensive, when what was a facebook page really. It was pictures and it was bits of data, it was words and it was pixels, but it wasn't a person it wasn't the essence. This is true of a person you look at. A person shaped in the past right now.

So here is some suffering longing that is easily resolved, but fun to indulge. I look at the notes I took in my notebooks in 2008, and I just didn't know then the beautiful songs i would hear, and the beautiful people I would meet. I wouldn't know what my passions quite were, and I wouldn't really have that many friends either. It is really wild actually.

I am talking about high school far away. All those acquaintances are gone and there is no real socially appropriate way to reconnect.

je me souviens

i used to dream a lot. I used to dream and I used to look out of the window of the car and imagine that someday I'd go somewhere and i'd be cool, or have friends. i wanted people to think in their thinking thought heads that i was cool, and to be my friend because of it. but i really was quite alone. and no one was willing to friend me. these people in my school district were my social contacts. i didn't realize that brandeis is an international school district of pleasant people.

I wonder what if i went to vassar or something or wesleyan or hamilton. the interesting aact is i went to brandeis because it was close by and i wanted to keep in touch with friends who would be there no matter what, who really weren't around by the summer after freshman year.

i didn't really have ay]ny friends growing up. largely i see this is too reasons, one is that i thought i was cooler than everyone else. another is that i was insufferable and really weird. These things made me feel so uncomfortable. I wasn't good at any sport or anything, and honestly my sexuality made things really difficult for me. Going to school was so weird, I used to hide so people wouldn't see i had no friends. Nobody got me, and there was not a single other sensitive hip type person in my whole school (in my mind) also not that I am a sensitive hip type person.

I just wish I had lightened up and of all other things if I knew in high school what i know about life now, that is if my conciousness now suddenly inhabited my body in high school, i would realize what a joke and an illusion everything was. like I would say and realize that life goes on in many differnt ways
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94 [Apr. 15th, 2012|03:13 am]
ifyoureallywant
[music |velvet underground]

Today is my grandmother's 94th birthday
When I feel like no one is listening to me I think it makes me feel sad.
I think that is why I only can read sad depressing livejournal things. I'm quite certain i'm not sad all the time but I'm really sad about graduation.

I really like Nathan's facebook status. hrooms is great

i like the movie adventureland. i think it will be a good movie because the music is by yo la tengo and i is about a college graduation and friends and love and liking lour reed a lot and being virign and that is my life so there you have it woohoo

should i not be a virgin. i have had relationships, but i don't know hooking up is weird, but drugs were too maybe i just have to do it but i hear that it is relly shitty so i think i'll just try for love.
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live Journallying [Mar. 1st, 2011|08:01 pm]
ifyoureallywant
Whenever I'm feel directionless, listless, or confused, I find that the only recourse there can be, especially when i am feeling particularly disinterested/overwhelmed by people is to just write in my livejournal. I am sometimes perplexed at all there was is and can be. it is confusing. i don't know if talking about it always helps. I am feeling like I'm not sure of the certainty of thigns for the first time in a while, so it is a little confusing. I just think maybe I'm a little bit dazed or something. Maybe not being a ca is having a larger effect on my than i think it does. i especially think it is true, because I had difficulty writing that down, so it mut be painful. i think i am a little bit worried about housing. i just don't really want to deal with it right now. i am not really sure. I don't really want to eat anything I don't know I'm really tired. i want to be byself but I also feel like I'm missing out
I was thinking of being in vermont and listening to Saves the Day, like it is some kind of musical memory. i am so surprised that this happened to me. I'm so surprised that anything has happened to me. i wish i could tlak to someone about that. but I guess i am not sure what I need. I know I defintely am disillusioned feeling generally. I am thinking that nonviolent communication as invented by Marshall rosenberg and told to me by a special someone is really stupid thouh it has given me a good vocabulary. I'm so surprised. i'm so surpirsed que sorpresa.
I feel like getting it all out, what is there. i just have been listeing to Hole a lot lately for the first time in my life, and I don't really know why. I like the song doll parts primarily. there is something about it that is exciting to me. like I want to be cool Like I want to be cool like Kurt cobain nnd courtney love and alternative rock in the 1990s. I'm so confused. I wonder. i really wonder
I'm so confused at where i go from here. i feel really abandoned but maybe it is that I am the abandoner. i am really weary of it all. i was happy when i got back. i just wanted to watch the bruins. maybe the catchiness of Hole mixed with the sad emotion has got me hooked on a negative feeling. or maybe nothing is certain. not the friendships I rely on especially. I think alot about, and feel saddenend by the lack of that speial someone to be my soul mate or some noise like that. I don't know who he or she will be but it seems like a lot of work. i really don't like having to rely on people. it epsecially scares me that the person might leave me. I have been jerking off a lot lately. I wanted to all day tofday. then i tried to do my homwrk but I just couldn't because it was really stupid. i was hoping it willa ll be all right. I am thinking that I am just sad and wanteing to be someoe living in a world where things aren't that way. i just feel like all i want to do is make music and be cool like nrivana. Adn i havne't felt that way since the seventh grade. I haven't felt like nirvana is this cool snce the 7th grade when nirvana was my favorite band. Now htere is no way i don't know what to do. i think th vh1 documentary in italy effected that. the anarchist commune that is what i want. i just want to be cool. i don't even lik hardcore ideals. i just straight up want to be cool. I don't hink that is true aat all iether i just felt like typing it. but that is maybe 1 percent of it. I don't know i'm conflicted.
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tell [Feb. 7th, 2011|06:46 am]
ifyoureallywant
I wanted to tell someone who i was feeling, and hten iw as like that would be uncomfrotbale I think
I should just write in my livejournal
there is a lot of pain
I'm in a lot of pain right now
and I'd prefer if i wasn't
livejournal
a place for feelings
I'm in pain now, that is why I am writing on livejournal
it hurts and i'm wishing it didn't
intellecutally we know that there are different types of was to feel emotion.
there is pain
and it objecively exists
i guess the thing is that i just feel weird is what ive been saign to peole
but really i feel messed up and dijointe
i feel like i don't want to talk to anyone
i feel introverted and i'd prefe if i idn't
i feel like i can't communicate and i feel sad
i feel like i am weird
in a self cnscious way in a peope are judging me way
but also in a scary way
in a I don't know what i'm feeling way
i justy feel disjointed and also confsed and also grasping and also peturbed and also it is just a mess and i feel lie people are bginning to judge me for it and that sucks
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The wear and tear of my throat [Jun. 3rd, 2010|03:57 am]
ifyoureallywant
I am twenty years old and i realized i am going to start to have to shave every day. It was just one year prior to this i grew this really weird beard. I have this weird mixed heritage beard where it is like all splotchy like an asian person but like dark and full like a white person. that is why i don't know i hae a lot of leg hair. i remember when i firststarted having leg hair, i remember i wanted to shave ti off. I mean isn't that a normal reaction? no one told me to be proud of it. I saw nothing of the masculine role of not shaving your leg hair in the media, just pretty girls talkin' bout why they shave their legs. And it was just like this weird thing happening to my body that marked a significant change that was like gross and scary, that i didn't really know. i wanted to shave it off. And i think i did. but i was like 12 and maybe nobody noticed because like 12 year olds don't necessarily have leg hair. But i am pretty sure i don't have leg hair.

So here is something that freaks me out
2006 was four years ago
let's do the math
2002 was four years before 2006. 2006 thought it now seems like a short time ago, also seems like my whole life has happened since then. Everything. these four years seem like a real long time if i think about it. so much has happened.

But i happene to know for a fact that in 2006, 2002 seemed like a lot longer time, for many reasons but mostly because it was one fourth of my life wheras now 4 years is one fifth of my life.

What it seems is this it seems that i have forgotten most o f what happpened in this time
phooey

there is in my unexpert opinon not much hope for recovering memories. lots of times repressed memories are covered made up. usualyl something just goes away if synapses don't use it/ it afdes away.

i blame colelge. lots of people blame heavy drinking drug use and advanced calculus for why they forget everything. i have a very good reason for knowing that it is not true. i theorize that it is because it is such a dramatic change from everything before that the mind like sort of is in a new context. when from k-12 in wilmz it was all with the same people, I was sort of was given contect of my social reality by the social reality of those around me. but since they are all gone the reality is not sustained so i can't remember anything

i can't seem to go to bed before 3 am
itis a bit of a problem

i am tired, bu tthere is just something depressing about the asct of going to bed

this is why i got sick recetly

i also need to check my email about this girl i know
and i also need to finish some jobz application
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The hope [Jun. 1st, 2010|05:32 pm]
ifyoureallywant
Our hope is not yet lost
we are people who will not be oppressed
as long as in the heart of all people
there is a yearning for justice
then our hope is not yet lost

We will stand for oppression no longer
Because we fight for Justice
Ugly feelings brand us terrorists
We seek peace and liberty and determination for our lives
I am not a terrorist I was born free

Never lose sight of hope
never stoop to cowardly levels of violence and injustice
we're locked in a cage but we don't shit on the floor
We stand for peace
I am not a terrorist Don't hold that mirror to us

There will always be hope
as long as justice and anti imperialism is apart of all
persons on this great earth
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Cd Collection [Jun. 1st, 2010|06:31 am]
ifyoureallywant
[music |track 16 nana songs]

As i look through my cd collection right now looking for a copy of another green world I think. Man
First of all I found a CD i made when I was 16, and it is all right. but i feel like as a song writer i have progressed a lot since then.

But i have literally spools of cds which i diligently burned all the cds in the local library onto cds around me. and i think about this. this was once my most prized possession it took so long to maintain and stuff. but now relatively speaking it is worthless.

Like I could just like go to the mediafire the greater thing than napster and just download whatever I want. I have an ipod now that has since broken, and I have a laptop. Like whoa this stuff is so obsolete. but my laptop broke which is why i need to find the another green world cd.

And i don't think i will because there are so many cds that i have.

I stayed up all night by the way writing a letter to my friend and getting it down grammaticall nad aethtically pleasingly. and now it is smoky outside. F That.

well yeah and all the music i have now haas been released since 2008. I only listen to music since 2008. sin't htat weird. all this classic stuff like minor threat sandy denny and brian eno and 14 songs by paul westerberg which i save from a library trash can, i all got that when i was 16. and i guess i was hip. but going to college makes me forget everything

i need to write down now

because i don't remember anything

I don't remember hgihs chool like at all now because it all got shoved out

like the other day i remindiend my parents of the last time i went to the broder cafe in burlington was 2008 april 9.

what
but i used to know what happened on every date in high school now i don't

senriors in ghihschool are like pipsqueaks. it seems to funny it si jsut more ceilings.
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Dry Your Eyes Mate: the Death of Lala [Jun. 1st, 2010|03:51 am]
ifyoureallywant
[music |antennas to heaven]

I remember that April 30th. I had just rode my bike from Havard Square to Brandeis and I got lost, and i went to this foam party and it was gnarly and disgusting. Then i went into the radio station and I looked up something on Lala. That is when I read it there on that PC in the back of the station the great music website would cease to live on May 31st, 2010.

These things come and go and it made a lot of sense, i didn't see how something like this website would be profitable. maybe it was being sued i thought

The last songs i heard were these Near to the Heart of god. i was listening to a bunch of hymns when i went into the other room to get a Capri Sun. I thought about how there should be a pop song about how Apple is an evil corporation and how there should be some deal of upheaval and direct action about this. But alas the music industry would never but the hand that feeds it. I returned to the room and the song Near to the Heart of God was done. However it did not play the next song. I was like oh. i clicked on the next song and it did not play and i thought.
THIS IS IT BOYS< THIS IS IT!
There is place a place of full release,
near to the heart of God;
a place where all is joy and peace,
near to the heart of Go
that is where lala was.
fortunately i invested in this moment.
i had five tabs open with songs that i would play once lala went down. I slected the first one and inadvertantly clicked on a link. This brought me to a sad sad page which informed me at 2;08 AM est that Lala was finished. done kaput. over.

fortunately i had a lot of pages still open. One of which was pitchfork;s top songs of 2004. I looked and i saw i as listening to the song dry your eyes mate. i felt that it was fitting that this song was queued up. I listed to it, and reflected on relationships, and also on how Apple systematically bought out lala and shut it down because it was a competion.

That seems like serious malfeasance. Like Microsoft I have always always revered. they had some anti trust stuff that went on that i don't really understand. But this seems unfair. this makes me feel more and more like apple is a malevolent corporation. they are like the catholic church of computers. they certainly are not the biggest, but they make up the largest majority of comptuer companies. then they indoctrinate people into believing them. PC people they get comptuer you know, but apple is a cult that people are into that is real silly. Do the world a favor and never ever buy anything on itunes. Yeah put your podcasts there and stuff, by the this is the end of me buying anythign on itunes, i find it to be a lack of coporate social responisibility. i think that Apple should be destroyed, and i will laugh if it is.

It is 3;50 i tired to clean my room in the intervening time but it did not work. But now, think about this, Harde Faster Strogner played because I was listening to Daft punk, and man lala was so cool, it encapsualted everything i liked about music and all.

So music streams they exist. i look at pitchfork and itsays there is an unknown error that is why lala is down. not true. it is dead and gone.

I remember all the lonely nights workign on forestry papers in the radio station. lala gave me endelss stuff to listen to and now it really is gone. I definietlye oded on the alst day
by bye lala and let's fade ito balck with these two godspeedyou balck emepror songs i ahve loaded up storms and antennas to heaven so that it canfad into the night.

And fuck you apple


The Lala service has been discontinued as of May 31st, 2010.

Lala members, click here for more information on any applicable credits or refunds
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One more time [Jun. 1st, 2010|12:25 am]
ifyoureallywant
Songs for a dying website
One more time
everything i its right place
wish you were here
exit
ignition
Antennas to Heaven
The video dept
Storm

These are songs i would want to play when i am dying
Lala is going down
it does not need to
Apple bought it just to take it down
I find that to be rather unforgivable
but maybe I am just a poopyhead crankypants who hates corporations and society

Apple is a really horrendously shitty corporation; one of the most malfeasant. they are like that 1984 apple commercial.
they are like the catholic church

PC is where its at in terms of the indie kid comps

I will bite the bullet and get an effin mac though because they make an all right product

but never again a mac ipod


+++++++++++++
One time i opened for this nice band it was all right
they were like hey we'll put you on the guest lsit of our shows
and i was like
YEAH BOY
but does this include large festivals in philly?
This is something I think about even now. I mean maybe I am only thinking about it because being in stupiton makes me feel really fucking uncool, and the fact that I am in a cool noise band and hang out with indie rock bands makes me feel like I am not a total loser.

I went to this past weeekend and it was pretty awkward. There were people who were like drink. why don't you drink. and it was fucking awkeward an there were all these jocks there who were older than me. i felt like a freak and an outcast. But you know that is what lj is for. expressing those sentiments. as everyone got drunk, and porceeded to not understand why someone would just not drink, they told me thought this. they said yo your bro showed us so much respect in high school, He was this smart mild mannered good kid, but he would talk to us and was a chill nice guy to us. eeryone else treated us bad cause we weren't smart. then i thought
OH WAIT i thought this was the man. i guess they felt the same way about people who are smartish and whatnot. i am smart in a large way, but not that smart. but then again smart doesn't really mean anything.

anyway now i am listening to music when i should be going to sleep
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Politcal Pop Music [May. 28th, 2010|04:27 pm]
ifyoureallywant
What if the song Heaven the Dj Sammy Cover of Vrya n adams w
what if it were an interpolation about the hell we are in environmentally because of the lack of corporate social responsibility

what if the song Tik Tok was about resisting consumerism and telling it to go fuck itself and not drinking

What if the son when you were young was about fucking heteronormatismvivisnsms and gender


The party don't star because there is a grave dfanger
consumerist attitudes are bringing us down
we're were not gonna join you club of people who don't know how to feel

now i really hate you can't stand you
coming into my heart and hurting my life
making me need you
i don't need you
i need us

what if there were a song about a woman who was like it sounded like she was over a man, but it ws actually about being over religion.

YEAH
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